woke up into an anxiety attack this is what I felt so I wrote it down.
It’s Sunday seems that one day I’ll go nowhere I don’t care except when I look in the mirror I see that’s all just fear for the end is near and absolutely nothing is clear everything is so confusing I’m boozing using gimme the rope maybe it’s a noose thing maybe not it could just be maybelline like gasoline anxiety is lighting up the whole damn scene sitting here at five thirteen in the morning eyes pouring the house is snoring my life is so mundane so boring every bit of energy is gone I ain’t coming out roaring more like mourning another day this day today
Of course I want you to be happy but the same gratitude doesn’t seem to extend to me almost as if you automatically expect the worst outta the situation i am in now and forever and currently. Every time you don’t pay attention or notice the pointlessness of my society I realize your dead to me that I need to in fact die too to be free cause this is a tragedy. Joker said his life was a comedy but I wish I could even feel enough to decipher those things unknown to me. Low key I hate the comparison of everyone around telling me whom I should be comparing me to the green haired freak is that my legacy, is that what I’m leaving behind is just a mess of crazy a mind of insanity they be running scientific surgery on my brain when I leave or why not now I don’t see a purpose for me there’s no light at the end of this tunnel it’s all become a funnel that funnels darkness and depression down a hole till there’s nothing left to see nothing left of me I’ve already decided to take myself out like Chester B cause everything you say to me hurts my feelings. They call me weak, tell me I’m a snowflake but everyday my heart aches I feel alone I’m outta the zone I’m probably on my own today tomorrow and forever until the day I day except this story isn’t of the year or even for the year or for your ear it’s a story of all my fear and just so we’re clear I already know there’s no help I’ve come undone hit me bruise me leave a welt whip me again with the belt that’s the last time i fucking felt anything but I need to bring this thing back around to the earthy ground full circle memoir of a fool telling me I need a religion but I’d rather not win a trip to heaven to sit with all you legit insane crazies believes in fucking fantasies; stories of gods you can’t see burning bushes boats and floods the shit is crazy but it’s the glue that holds everyone eatin ass and smoking grass to higher morals, don’t mind me this a just oral diarrhea i have an idea but none of you care hang in the air ha one day i aspire to this dare but none y’all care this is a writing of my fear my head ain’t clear, don’t know what I’m doing here. Happy holidays praise Jesus hallelujah, sinners need a heart transplant here take mine I’m done the world won the invisible one gave me to much to handle I just can’t.
That dude be shady as fuck
But not today your luck
Has run out I’m kicking your ass on the ground
Defeating you while your down
Don’t come the fuck around
Call me an asshole keeping me up at night
These thoughts in my brain ain’t god damn right
Ruin my holiday oh boy you gay
Got another thing coming today
Make like BK have it your way
But leave me the fuck alone mail ass whore
When I open my mouth they tell me to shut up
Nah I ain’t tryna front
They tell me that I don’t have anything to say to improve the day
That the only way I know is of negativity
But they don’t know me
They don’t see my attempts at life
The daily strife, battling in my head I’m only still here for you cuz if it was up to me I’d be dead
Physically sick and mentally unfit all of the time regardless of how many words i can string in a line, string through a rhyme, life essentially is a struggle a big colossal waste of time
But what do I know I’m expected to just be fine
Cause when I open my mouth they tell me to shut up
Nah I ain’t tryna front
I just don’t have anything to say to improve the day.
Working on the next holloWWay song
Everything about my life is pretty pointless. From the job I do to the things I say there’s not much of a purpose. My anxiety only ruins everyone else around me, makes them anxious, angry, annoyed. Often I think of killing myself, often I’m told to kill myself. And often I wonder why the fuck I’m still here. I guess music is my only answer. It’s the only thing that understands me, and I understand it. As I walk daily I think about all the things I’ve failed at, I think of all the things I could succeed at and understand that the bad outweighs the good. Often I’m frustrated or angry and it’s just because I simply hate life. I’ve tried the pills, counselors, religions, books etc. I just hate life, I don’t enjoy existing in this society- in this life. In that spirit I wanted to introduce this instrumental “pointless”. I made it during a funeral thinking on the dead. No more complaints, no more letting people down, no more worries just nothing, absolute freedom… then I got thinking of my life and came up with the title. W/o further delay here’s “pointless”.
There he goes oh no put down the pen spaz stick writing again he can’t he won’t he don’t he don’t the hell does that even mean you’re not making sense man nobody cares man they don’t hear man no one gives a damn atrocity there’s a curse on me drive the hearse hit me bleed me cleanse me it’s a church thing but here’s the thing none of that made any sense like that shit you told me I was thirsty young impressionable and you raped me took my brain preacher got the forceps and removed it but ha oh fuck look I’m back I’m mad my it’s the anniversary of the day you put me in the ground covering the hole with dirt I was hurt but I’m alert I’m a jerk you’re a jerk that’s cute you’re such a flirt. Now all this shit be crazy my life is empty it’s crowded actually I can’t move can’t breathe feeling like shit since surgery it’s clear to me that someday I’ll die and get to rest but right now it’s all a test my life is a mess a fuckin wreck there’s so much more than I can handle I’m breaking you’re shaking hearts aching rules bending this unending hurt and pain no gain I’m still poor I ain’t keeping the score but I know I didn’t move any more cause I’m making music that’s real but ye Kanye Yahweh whoever hey ding dong red hat yeezy freezy you’re making me queasy I’m real you’re crazy but rich and famous man that’s crazy but I guess that’s society interrupting swiftie turned to Jesus now we’re all fuckin free free free free ha this shit this shit just be crazy I’m gone I’m wrong pop a pill cause I can’t deal with any of this shit I see maybe it’s all me they say I need a straight jacket but my jacket is gay so I do apologize for the inconvenience that I’ve cause I know it’s unfortunate that all day I’m alive running forth and back back and forth slamming doors forgetting this forgetting that tellin me to take an addy that’ll help you get on the mend from the dead end from the man I called daddy fuck you pig you’re a squid bleed you out take your ink put it in my pen so I can write about how your evil made me crazy hahahahaha I’m the joker they say evil from evil coming back to haunt ya I would let you go but no I’ll torture you sell ya take your soul to the devil I call him Satan he’s my creation made him rise like a Frankenstein but now you die you’re a monster and I’m so ever crowded physically mentally I’m going crazy see y’all in hell I hate this I
I made this
He’s a spastic
He’s just a spastic
Wake up everyday head to that place that place that place that’s got a hold of me my ball and chain connection to a capitalist society that I wish to put behind me I can’t stand it here waving around freedom while simultaneously telling us what to do what to think how to feel about the business of every celebrity and I just can’t make any sense of it it’s mindless shit meant to keep us stuck in the big ol media pit media pig devouring everything controlling our mind telling you where to spend your dime got you by the balls dictating your life thanks weather guy I was wondering whether the government would make it rain today idk they call me crazy I just had to pen it out cause they be gettin on my nerves lately I’m to sober I’d like to be hazy wanna stand faded not for your fake god nationalist holy American pledge making like Kap I don’t even care what you think anymore whether I’m myself or not y’all gonna hate me anyway, that’s okay I’ll make like your president build my own mansion build my own wall yellin fuck you from the top of the tallest tower of my estate I’ll escape the negativity those worth keeping rally round me ain’t blocking the streets or dishing any heat call me insane but I thought about it with my own brain and just care about people man appreciate them show each other love get used to giving hugs I’m just so sick of being so miserable and so quiet about it I needa riot anyway these are just my thoughts today just thought I’d tell you.